Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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