Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
