I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
