I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
