I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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