GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We're too hungover to prance.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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