she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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