Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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