Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
