I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
