Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
