if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
