Can i not drive my cunt home
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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