At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You need a sexual gate keeper
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
