You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
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