Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My penis needs a shock collar
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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