Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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