How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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