You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
