I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
