their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
