yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
