Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
only you would photoshop your dick
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
