i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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