then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
