Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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