Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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