I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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