My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
