I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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