What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
