I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
