her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
