you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
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the wall and i were having dominance issues.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
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We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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