I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
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But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
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Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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