Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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