I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
