It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
