just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
