I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
