So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
