i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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