The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
