it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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