Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
