i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
