i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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