I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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