So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
