you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
