Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
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I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
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(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..