I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test