my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.