New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.