I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
