Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
