Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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